A bit of a downer today - sorry
Well, I've enjoyed the car for almost 2 weeks now. Most folks at work know that it's mine and some have asked to see it. That's a new feeling for me. I've never really had anything (except the kids) that people wanted to look at. I try to remain approachable in everything. I don't want people to think I'm a snob or that I'm in any way better than them. I think the tendency in the "new car" situation is for people to (naturally) have a little bit of jealousy. I know I've felt that way before. I really don't want folks to think I've put myself above them. It's just a car... If I could trust them, I'd let everyone drive it. Problem is accidents happen and I've got too much $$ tied up in this car to allow for that. Still, I need to hold all my possessions loosely - they really don't belong to me anyway.
So... father's day was pretty much a bust. A couple of kids wished me a happy father's day. Most forgot. I worked 13.5 hours, so I wasn't really home anyway. There was no dinner to speak of. I did receive a bag with some cleaning stuff for the car. That was nice. Don't get me wrong. I don't like a lot of pomp and circumstance, but a little more attention and "thanks, Dad, for all the hard work" would have been nice. I guess the Lord is showing me a view that my wife sees a lot. Parenting is a thankless job for the most part in the years when the kids are young. It really is up to spouses to lift each other up and share the load. I don't think I do a good job of edifying my wife a lot of the time. I often wonder if she thinks she could have done better. I think she probably could have.
I've been really discontented at work lately. For some reason, I have been targeted for some pranks in the last week. Stupid stuff like mixing my tools up and greasing the drawer handles to my tool box. Normally this wouldn't get me upset, but this time, I've been bothered by it. I'm tired of being an outsider all the time. Funny thing is that 3 of the guys I work with closely, profess to be Christians. I don't see Jesus very often here. I need to examine my own witness as well. The pranks were unprovoked as far as I can tell. I've never done that type of stuff to anyone else. Maybe they want to be engaged this way. I've just always avoided that kind of behavior since it usually escalates and I'd just a soon not get caught up in it.
I'm starting to think the depression a couple of my kids are struggling with comes from me. I have been feeling lonely lately. Even in a crowded house, the feeling is strong enough to make me wonder. I used to think it was just because I am tired all the time, but I'm starting to think it's not that at all. I'm just dissatisfied with everything. Another thing I've noticed is that no one seems able to please me - I'm not happy with their contributions to the work load or they just don't "do it right". This is at home as well as at work. And instead of helping out or kicking my contribution up a notch, I complain and pout about how "no one is doing their part but me". Not that I have any right to be pleased or served. That's really not the way it's supposed to be for Christians. We're supposed to serve selflessly, right? Why is the flesh so strong and selfishness so easy?
This is a sad rant today. I'm sorry to dump on my readers (all three of you) on the one hand, but glad to have a place where I feel relatively secure in opening up. I'm going to process all of this more. Maybe add some later.
So... father's day was pretty much a bust. A couple of kids wished me a happy father's day. Most forgot. I worked 13.5 hours, so I wasn't really home anyway. There was no dinner to speak of. I did receive a bag with some cleaning stuff for the car. That was nice. Don't get me wrong. I don't like a lot of pomp and circumstance, but a little more attention and "thanks, Dad, for all the hard work" would have been nice. I guess the Lord is showing me a view that my wife sees a lot. Parenting is a thankless job for the most part in the years when the kids are young. It really is up to spouses to lift each other up and share the load. I don't think I do a good job of edifying my wife a lot of the time. I often wonder if she thinks she could have done better. I think she probably could have.
I've been really discontented at work lately. For some reason, I have been targeted for some pranks in the last week. Stupid stuff like mixing my tools up and greasing the drawer handles to my tool box. Normally this wouldn't get me upset, but this time, I've been bothered by it. I'm tired of being an outsider all the time. Funny thing is that 3 of the guys I work with closely, profess to be Christians. I don't see Jesus very often here. I need to examine my own witness as well. The pranks were unprovoked as far as I can tell. I've never done that type of stuff to anyone else. Maybe they want to be engaged this way. I've just always avoided that kind of behavior since it usually escalates and I'd just a soon not get caught up in it.
I'm starting to think the depression a couple of my kids are struggling with comes from me. I have been feeling lonely lately. Even in a crowded house, the feeling is strong enough to make me wonder. I used to think it was just because I am tired all the time, but I'm starting to think it's not that at all. I'm just dissatisfied with everything. Another thing I've noticed is that no one seems able to please me - I'm not happy with their contributions to the work load or they just don't "do it right". This is at home as well as at work. And instead of helping out or kicking my contribution up a notch, I complain and pout about how "no one is doing their part but me". Not that I have any right to be pleased or served. That's really not the way it's supposed to be for Christians. We're supposed to serve selflessly, right? Why is the flesh so strong and selfishness so easy?
This is a sad rant today. I'm sorry to dump on my readers (all three of you) on the one hand, but glad to have a place where I feel relatively secure in opening up. I'm going to process all of this more. Maybe add some later.
posted by Slicer at 6/21/2005 06:47:00 AM
3 Comments:
Hey Matt... you commented on my blog that you should try walking like I'm doing. You really should... walking (or any exercise) is shown to be very effective in helping with depression. I find that mentally it probably helps as much if not more than it does physically, because it gives me time alone to think, process my thoughts and work out alot of stuff, and sometimes to pray.
I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling pretty down in a number of areas, Matt. Praying for you. *hugs*
Hi Matt
I don't mind bathos updates. I revel in angst. I am praying for you, as I know you pray for me as well. I appreciate the transparency and the fact that we can connect even across the void of cyberspace.
Maybe I will take a trip down to see you over a weekend when I get back from Ethiopia. I'll probably stop by and see Grampa on the way.
September and John said it, but... I'm glad you've got a place to vent a bit. We're here through the envious green cars and the downer days. We love ya, man.
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